Back to the grind

Sunday:

Breakfast: A hot western sandwich with cheese and a side of homefries with onions. SO good....so Tasty....so around half my calorie alottment for the day.

Lunch: I was too busy running around on sunday and we had breakfast pretty darn close to lunch time. Lunch didn't happen.

supper: one grilled cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread with low fat cheese. On bowl of tomatoe soup. Real comfort food.

Breakfast this morning: a homemade breafast burrito on a whole wheat tortilla. Veggie egg beater with a little left over taco beef from supper last week. and half a low fat cheese slice. one glass of strawberry orange banana soy juice.


Sunday was tough for me this week. We had Breakfast with friends and we always go to this greasy spoon and there really isn't any healthy low-fat/low-cal/low-carb options at this place. I ordered my favorite meal and I knew beforehand that it was not the healthiest choice I could make. (I know, I know....i said I'd make the healthier choice in situations like these). It wasn't until I got home and logged breakfast into my calorie tracker that I saw that it was nearly half of my alloted calories for the day. Still, I didn't beat myself up over it. I've had the time to realise that beating myself up was probably just an excuse to feel miserable and eat more unhealthy foods(because you know, why bother and I deserve it cause I'm miserable).

My trainer called yesterday while I was out. He left a message for me but didn't say exactly why he called. For some reason I have it in my head that he's going to fob me off on another trainer at the gym. That's what my spidey senses are telling me anyway. Maybe it's just my self defeating talk. "Why would he want to work with a fatty like you?" I'll hope it's just that. He's the only trainer there who I want to work with and who I think can keep me motivated.

Changes

Thursday Lunch: Subway chicken bacon wrap with diet coke

Snack: Another juicy courtland

Supper: (before I say what it was let me just say Friday is cheat day AND I still managed to come in under calories with this meal, okay?) One Big Mac and on Filet-o-Fish (Oh how I love thee).

That evening I went to the gym and did the usual weight training and eliptical cardio.

Saturday Breakfast: Cinnamon Raisin French toast (homemade by yours truely)
One juice box (all out of soy OJ)

Lunch: beef and Barley soup with croutons, Some chopped pineapple.

Snack:2 peices of raisin bread with jam and butter ( needed something I was going grocery shopping.

Supper: 2 peices of delisso pepperoni pizza.

I did groceries today. It felt different than it usually does. I can't really explain it. I was comparing labels and trying to figure out what I was going to buy (no different than usual) but I feel like I was a thin healthy person shopping. Does that make any sense? I guess maybe I picked healthier things instead of just the cheaper things.

I had a nap this afternoon. A sweet sweet delicious nap. Naps are all to rare these days. My nap lasted far longer than it should have because I could not seem to wake up. Even with Monk playing loudly in the next room I would just wake and then fall right back to sleep. It was bizzarre. It was one of those times where you wake up but you just can't seem to get up. I actually have some aches in my shoulders so I'm wondering if my workout yesterday actually made an impact or if maybe I'm coming down with something. I hope it's not the latter. I've done so very well with my health lately. I would hate to see all my hard work get pushed to the backburner because I wasn't feeling well. I've quit working out under similar circumstances in the past. I've got to be strong to keep on getting stronger.

Thursday

I'm too lazy to try and backdate this, let's just say thursday was a busy day at work and at home so I didn't get much time to log things (yes, I am really really getting lax)

Thursday's food: (not at all like thursdays child, who I think is full of woe)

Breakfast: the cereal blend this time manged to successfully pour milk on to it instead of juice.
and a glass of juice with soy

Snack: All bran bar with peanut butter (can't forget the protein)

Lunch: left over chicken curry and rice (OMG my co-workers were so jealous)
One really large diet pepsi (took me most of the afternoon to drink it.

Snack: The biggest juiciest courtland Apple, YUM

Supper: three homeade soft tacos.

I started to record my food on my palm pilot (with dietlog) yesterday. So far I can actually see why the pounds might be dropping, I'm actually eating well below my RMR calories but not so low that my body is going into famine mode. Awesome. I can't wait to step onto the scale tonight.

Friday breakfast: one egg scramble with a little bit of taco beef, served on a peice of whole wheat toast with a low fat cheese slice
I 100% juices orange peace apple juice juice box. (wow that's alot of juices)

I'm so good at forgetting, I quit every game I play

Food today: (Man I'm getting lax)
Breakfast: The usual cereal, only about half as much because I poured orange juice on it by accident and then proceeded immediately to add milk (ugh milk and OJ not a good combo)
On glass of soy OJ (okay by itself)

Snack: One Homemade protien bar

Lunch: A lean cuisine Entree, some terribly sweet fat-free yogurt and some granola to wash down the yogurt with (I know it should be the other way around but it wasn't)

Afternoon snack: Most of one difficult to peel navel orange.

Supper: spaghetti and meatballs. No bread! No bread! did ya hear me! I didn't have any garlic bread with this meal...and I lived!!!

Mental state: Torn between accomplishment and being downtrodden. Feeling great on the one hand because the scale has budged to 284! Feeling some residual crappiness from an arguement with the H man in which he was entirely in the wrong and has yet to sufficiently apologise. I hate it when we argue like that and all could have been salvaged if he had just let me finish instead of jumping to conclusions. As most of our arguements are, this was about money. The only other thing we argue about is housework each of us thinks we do the lion's share of it, and we all know who really does...

So let me talk a bit more about 284. I actually weighed myself 3 times at the gym this evening. I was in shock that it would go down again. I even went so far as to weight myself totally nude post shower. And it's 281! that's pretty damn close to the 270's. It's coming. I ran into my trainer tonight. He kind of put me off on my follow-up consultation until I told him I was going to pay for my training this week. Then he all of a sudden had room in his schedule. I need him to check my form and push me extra hard. I want to hurt the next day. Maybe that sounds crazy but I need the pain to tell me that I'm making progress.

Crunchy Granola Suite

Breakfast: Kashi and multi-grain cheerios with freeze dried strawberries and milk. One glass of soy OJ that tasted kind of grainy.

Morning snack: Carrots

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Entree, All bran bar with peanut butter.

Mental state: Half decent. I got a call from my Volunteer co-ordinator this afternoon asking me to lead one of the teams. It's a pat on the back that I'm being asked to lead a team that I've only been on for 2 years. but it's likely going to be a considerable commitment and it will most definately ruffle the feathers of some other volunteers who have been on the team longer. The Co-ordinator really trusts me so I know that's why she wants me and I know to the other volunteers it's going to look like a totally political move. I can't decide what I want to do. She's going to come see me tommorow and we can chat about it then. In the meantime I've put in a call to my old partner and I'll see what she says. She's my volunteering issues expert.

Thrown from the wreckage

Oh my, I'm certainly getting behind on the whole keeping track of my food deal.

Sunday lunch: Bowl of Oatmeal and whole wheat toast with peanut butter (I don't know why those two thing go together in my mind but they just do)

Sunday supper: Beans and weiners and 2 peices of wholewheat bread with maragine (yeah I know...but you can't have it without margarine...you just can't!)

Late night snack: one peice of whole wheat cinnamon raisin bread (homemade by yours truely) with margarine and honey.

Breakfast this morning: Veggie egg beater with sausage and lowfat cheese slice, one glass of soy orange juice

Snack this morning: homemade protein bar.

Lunch today: Blue menu macaroni and cheese (not bad but a little Saucier than I like), sliced carrots (no dip, YAY! I ate them without dip and I liked them!)

Supper tonight: Homemade chicken fingers (baked lowfat ones from "Grazing"
) and Lowfat baked spicy cheese fries from the same book. with Low fat broccoli and cheese. YUM! this was a super mega awesome supper. Monk ate a whole chicken finger on his own and most of it ended up in him instead of down the front of his chair!


You know sometimes you get discouraged and you think "ugh, this is never going to work. I've been doing this how long and nothing has happened? if something was going to happen it would have already." Well I think I reached that point sometime last week. Fortunatly, I stuck it out anyway. On my last trip to the gym (on Friday) the scale budged. I didn't mention it because I figured it was a fluke or something and that today when I went to the gym I'd find myself right back at 288. Well guess what? It didn't happen. The scale today was ......drumrolll please......

286.

I ran into a friend of mine at the gym (she works there but only one night a month) and I hadn't seen her since last month. She said she could tell in my face that I'm slimming down. I told her the scale hasn't budged. But she said I must be doing something right because I'm looking great. I'm feeling pretty good too. When I do my weights I concentrate really hard on how I'm getting strong with ever lift and putting all my positive energy into it. I noticed this week that I can easily do up the lower button on my coat and it doesn't pull anymore. And I noticed that my pants are fitting differently. I realise that 2 lbs is not very much but if it's possible when I feel my stomach (right around my waist) I can feel that it is smaller. I don't know how I can but I do.

The Coolest thing of all: When I using the pectoral machine tonight I could see myself in the mirror and I could see my muscles under all that fat. I could see them contract with each lift. That's wild. I might have some massive muscles under all that fat. Maybe someday you'll see me win a body building competition. "I used to eat grease, now I rub it all over my body!"

Art is its own reward, just ask Burt Ward

Supper last night: One heaping bowl of Coconut Chicken curry with Jasmine rice, a little taste of heaven.

Snack last night: one bag of low fat butter flavored popcorn.

I drank 3 diet caffeine free cokes yesterday.

Breakfast this morning: Two peices of whole wheat toast lovingly sandwiching veggie eggbeaters and a chopped up sausage and a low fat cheese slice. Accompanied buy some soy orange juice.

I realise it's a little late for new years resolutions. I've never been very good at keeping them anyway, but I've decided that this year is my year for forceable change. I know that change happens regardless of whether or not I'm trying to make it happen so I can't just call this the year of change. So it's forceable change, I'm actually going to make and effort and steer my change this year. Then I can take the next 30 or so years off again. I want to finally get rid of this weight and I want to stick with it. I'm making a pact with myself that I am not going to give up on going to the gym and eating better until 2007. If nothing happens between now and then I'll throw in the towel in January 2007 and try to contentedly pass my remaining years as a dumpy, fumpy old lady. I don't know what I'll do in January 2007, if things are actually successful.

How am I going to judge sucess? I'm going say that if I can't wear pants even a size smaller than what I am wearing right now then I'll say nothing happened. This is a bit of a cheat because I think I could already fit into a 20 (albeit snuggly). Success is feeling better about myself. Success is having a permanent change of relationship with food. Or at least a longstanding relationship change.

I've never been good at sticking with things. My husband is lucky we're still married. He's the longest commitment I've ever kept. I couldn't even finish university without taking a break. I've even had a break from my job. Why is it that I embrace changes like new experiences and changes of commitments but reject healthy changes like better eating habits and fitness?

It occured to me the other night that balancing work, Motherhood, home and my life in general, while difficult and sometimes complicated has made me feel most like a normal human than I have ever felt. It's what I've always wanted and yet I hate it. I can not seem to reconcile my desire to be average with my need to be one of a kind. I have to admit that I enjoy my life being much more fast paced because it leaves less time for boredom and idle thoughts and creative distractions. I used to think that being busy meant less time for fun. I don't think that's true anymore. Going to the gym really isn't fun but what would I do otherwise? Sit on the Sofa and try to find something to watch on TV, that's not really that fun either.

I'm trying really really hard to be the person I want to become. That person is confident, fit, content, and put together. All I really have going for me right now is a false confidence I can put on like a mask and a contentedness with my family life, everything else could use some work.

I know it's hard to make a whole bunch of radical changes all at once so I'm trying not to do that. I think I'd be setting myself up for failure. I'm working on one thing at a time. First was getting active. I've been regularly going to the gym for almost 2 months. I think I've got that down. I'm working with a trainer to keep my motivation up and keep my strength building. Now it's time to make some food changes. Instead of going whole hog and only eating carrot sticks and salad for the rest of my life. I'm going to try to make healthier choices. It doesn't have to be the Healthiest choice I can make but so long as it is healthier than what I would normally choose I'm going to say that's good. I'm not saying I'm not going to have days where I fail miserably, lord knows that McDonalds is still going to call my name night and day and there's going to be time I'm just going to HAVE to give in. What can I say? I'm weak. But when it all adds up I'm going to be better off than I was before. That's what's really important.

If I just put $500 on my credit card why do I feel like I have to go and charge it back up?

Lunch: One bowl Healthy request chicken noodle soup, a handfull of choppped raw carrots and some lite veggie cream cheese. 3/4's of a whole wheat bagel with lite cream cheese.

Afternoon snack: Jello cheesecake snack (about 110 calories) not too shabby.

I juist spent a half hour scrubbing my shower tile. I was reading flylady.net this morning and felling all inspired so when Monk went down for his nap I went in to scrub. And Scrub, and scrub some more. It's still not shining yet and it's damn cold in the bathroom so I'm freezing my butt off and getting wet while trying to clean the shower tiles from hell. Thus I admitted defeat and ate the cheesecake snack.

Not so much off the rails.

Supper last night: Super Veggie Pita, no Olives
Deep Fried mushrooms (I justified this because mushrooms are mostly just water and hardly at all greasy)

I made it to the gym and was not so much derailed by the funerary visitation but actually it put me ahead of schedule. I did my usual warm-up and weights, followed by 30 minutes on the eliptical. I celebrated with a spectacularly long and hot shower.

I find the gym to be a place of introspection. Last night had lots of it. The visitation I attened last night was to support a co-worker who recently lost her father to an extended battle with cancer. I don't normally go to things like that for co-workers but I made an exception because she's someone I genuinely like (I don't feel that way about most of my co-workers) and because I knew how badly she was hurting over the loss of her father. I thought about it alot last night. How would I feel when my Dad dies? Of course, my father is likely more of a jerkwad than my co-worker's. I wonder how things would be different if my father handn't thrown so many conflicting expectations my way. Somedays I wish I could blame him for everything.

I didn't have a snack when I got home from the gym last night so no need to laud or applaud myself on my choices.

Breakfast this morning: 3 peices of wholeweat french toast with light syrup. One glass of solutions orange juice. I sausage...soon to be followed by another.

I really need to sit down and calculate my total calories for the day. I suspect I'm not eating enough for wieghtloss. Maybe that's why the scale isn't moving. Or maybe I am eating enough, It's just not the right kind of calories.

I must be doing something right though, because I've never been this regular in all my life.

Ouch that hurts.

Lunch: Chicken Bacon Ranch wrap from Subway with lowfat Mayo and a splash of southwest sauce (And yes I know that's SO not kosher but I don't hate myself because it was better than the alternative)
Diet Coke

Afternoon Snacks : Homeade Protein bar
Clementine Orange

Metal State: I went to get my stitches out today. I had almost forgotten I had stitches until the Doctor started taking them out. Man that hurt! Came back to work only to stuff envelopes all after noon. The agony of a thousand paper cuts has just begun. Feeling really good about my choices today and looking forward to the burn of my weights program at the gym tonight but I have to go to a funeral visitation before the gym and that may derail me completely. The H man has made a valiant attempt to persuade me to get italian food for supper. I've vetoed in favor of much healthier Greek fare.

Survival of the fattest

Breakfast: one glass solutions orange juice
two peices wholewheat toast
One low fat cheese slice
some veggie egg beater fried in the non-stick frying pan.

Mental state: I wish I was still in bed but it's jeans day at work so I got up.

I had a thought today about all this self-hate business and about how the hating actually begins before I eat the food by the choices I make. It's almost as if I want an excuse to hate myself. Now If I could just realise that everytime I sit down to make a food choice.

I wish I could stick with something, anything. I am doing pretty good with going to the gym. I'm going on almost 2 months of regular working out. I was beginning to get dicouraged but then yesterday I started seeing some muscles developing. I know, 2 months is a long time to wait to see muscles but there's ALOT of fat over them. I noticed my pants were fitting differently too but so far that scale at the gym has not moved. It's stuck stubbornly at 288. That may have something to do with my eating but one thing at once people! I don't respond well to changes like that.

When my parentals were in town, my father bitched me out repeatedly about my weight and my food choices. Never mind that I'd recently lost 20lbs and was ordering grilled chicken while he got the greasy cheeseburger and fries. Taking criticsm from him is the pot calling the kettle black. He told me I have a problem with portion control meanwhile he's secretly been stealing peices of pie from the fridge. I really need to develop a thicker skin when I am around him.

Lie to me, I promise I'll Believe

Supper: Homeade ceasar salad with low fat dressing
Blue Menu pizza 1 and half slices.
Absolutely no chocolate or icecream (no seriously, none)

Late night snack: Kashi, Special K red Berries and Multigrain Cheerios with milk and freeze dried strawberries. I so wish this was chocolate and ice cream.

I had to go out tonight to buy a floor lamp. Ours got broken this week and what a tragedy because I had no idea I was such a floor lamp snob. I went to three different stores and couldn't find a single one that I like or fit my budget. My current budget being virtually nothing. My current tastes being incredibly expensive.

On the way home I wished my brain was a computer so that I could make notes in my head while driving (or doing many other of my daily tasks) and actually be able to recall them later. Having babies steals your brains people! I thought of some things I needed to put together for my settlement proposal. Of course, now that I am at home at my desk can I remember what those things are? No. It's so bad that when I went the grocery store I made a mental note on my way in to pick up something but by the time I'd walked to the dairy aisle I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. I bought 2 creme eggs and gave them to the H man when I got home, but I'm sure that wasn't what I was supposed to remember.

When I pulled in the driveway at home I paused before getting out of the car to sing along with the radio for a few minutes. While I sat there I closed my eyes and had a brief moment of panic that the world disappeared. When I opened my eyes it was still there so I tried closing them again and the panic feeling was there. Even though I had my keys in my hand and could feel the steering wheel I still thought everything was gone.

Somedays when I get home from work, Monk is in his room napping. I have to actually open the door and see him to convince myself that he is actually there. I wish I could stop thinking like that. I know these moments of unecessary panic are shortening my life.

How's this for ego, I hate myself and yet I often assume that things outside my visual range no longer exsist?

As the crow flies

Lunch: Teen Burger With Onion Rings and a Root Beer. And yes, I'm still in major self hate.

This morning's snack was a clementine orange so...Myabe I don't hate myself all that much.


I wonder if all this self hate talk is actually working for me?

Starting the Day

Breakfast this morning: one bowl mixed cereals with freeze dried Strawberries (again)
One glass of "solutions" extra protein orange juice
One "blue menu" multigrain blueberry muffin

Mental state: Optimistic

I slept late this morning. I was having a dream that I was staying in a cottage with Alice and Dana from "The L word." Alice had hooked up with some guy and I was consoling Dana on the pull out sofa. "She'll be back. Don't worry Dana, And when she does come back we'll make her sleep right between us on the pull out sofa as penance for running off with that guy."
The really wierd part? Alice is the one I find really hot and I let her mess around with some guy in my dream.

I have difficulty contemplating the infinate

Is it any wonder that the world just plain depresses me?

Why do I alternate between, "I'm the only one who feels like this" and "Everyone must feel like this, they just do a better job managing their fear"?

Tonight at the gym there was a girl in the shower stall next to mine and I thought " I bet she sees my feet under the stall and thinks there's a skinny girl in the stall next to her." Then I looked down at my sagging fat and hated myself for a little bit. I came home and ate a bowl of cereal with freeze dried strawberries and hated myself some more, but I released the hate momentarily to compliment myself on the choice of cereal rather than a filet-o-fish.