better off not knowing
Where do I begin?
Before I met my husband and knew upon sight that he'd be the man I married there was a man who I thought I might end up married to. We had a whirlwind summer romance after my second year of university. He was larger than life. Everything about him was large, his figure, his ambition, his personality, his voice, everything. He had this way of just scooping me up and making me feel like he was a night in shining amour (both figuratively and literally). He was wonderful to me and my family just loved him. Even now, my step-mother still asks about him.
But, his ambition was too exotic for me and despite his many requests I couldn't follow him where he wanted to go. I was too afraid. And he might have been a night in shining armor but he wasn't strong enough to protect me in a foreign land where I didn't understand the culture or language.
I watched him go and we kept in touch for a long time. I used to get long letters in the mail. He alluded to wanting to marry me if he ever came home. He'd send me beer coasters cum postcards with drunken confessions of his love for me. He sent me presents liberally doused in his cologne. He used Star Wars analogies to explain how smitten he was. Was it any wonder I was in love with the guy?
Packed away for many years is a box containing the things he sent me. I found it a few weeks ago and was tempted to go through it but the kids were around and I didn't want them to see Mom get a little weepy. Besides, I really do love their father. I think more than anything I mourn the loss of my youth. The part where I was thin and Dated Hulking men who sent me presents from far off continents.
Then this morning I dropped my son off at the babysitters and one of her daughters was there. She asked me how I knew Mr. Knight in shining armor. Initially I didn't give details. She offered that she'd gone to university with him. I offered the same. She said they were very close. I told her that we had dated. She looked like I'd hit her and things got awkward. All the time he'd send me those letters he was writing someone else. He'd offered to raise this woman's child as his own if she moved to be with him overseas. I thought that I knew him really well and I'd never so much as heard this woman's name.
Now, it's water way,way,way under the bridge but I find myself nevertheless hurt. I'm contemplating confronting him about it but I'm not sure that would accomplish anything. I liked it better my way. When I was the only princess he'd always be thinking of but I guess a knight's job is to rescue princesses, I just had no idea there were so many of us out there.
Before I met my husband and knew upon sight that he'd be the man I married there was a man who I thought I might end up married to. We had a whirlwind summer romance after my second year of university. He was larger than life. Everything about him was large, his figure, his ambition, his personality, his voice, everything. He had this way of just scooping me up and making me feel like he was a night in shining amour (both figuratively and literally). He was wonderful to me and my family just loved him. Even now, my step-mother still asks about him.
But, his ambition was too exotic for me and despite his many requests I couldn't follow him where he wanted to go. I was too afraid. And he might have been a night in shining armor but he wasn't strong enough to protect me in a foreign land where I didn't understand the culture or language.
I watched him go and we kept in touch for a long time. I used to get long letters in the mail. He alluded to wanting to marry me if he ever came home. He'd send me beer coasters cum postcards with drunken confessions of his love for me. He sent me presents liberally doused in his cologne. He used Star Wars analogies to explain how smitten he was. Was it any wonder I was in love with the guy?
Packed away for many years is a box containing the things he sent me. I found it a few weeks ago and was tempted to go through it but the kids were around and I didn't want them to see Mom get a little weepy. Besides, I really do love their father. I think more than anything I mourn the loss of my youth. The part where I was thin and Dated Hulking men who sent me presents from far off continents.
Then this morning I dropped my son off at the babysitters and one of her daughters was there. She asked me how I knew Mr. Knight in shining armor. Initially I didn't give details. She offered that she'd gone to university with him. I offered the same. She said they were very close. I told her that we had dated. She looked like I'd hit her and things got awkward. All the time he'd send me those letters he was writing someone else. He'd offered to raise this woman's child as his own if she moved to be with him overseas. I thought that I knew him really well and I'd never so much as heard this woman's name.
Now, it's water way,way,way under the bridge but I find myself nevertheless hurt. I'm contemplating confronting him about it but I'm not sure that would accomplish anything. I liked it better my way. When I was the only princess he'd always be thinking of but I guess a knight's job is to rescue princesses, I just had no idea there were so many of us out there.
posted by Dealing with it at 6:29 AM
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