oops I think we did it again.

I have no corroborating evidence nor is it even late enough for me to get some actual evidence but I think I'm pregnant again. If I am pregnant I'm approximately 4 days pregnant. I know...I know, it would be too early to tell but I feel just like I did the last time I was pregnant. Which is to say, I feel completely un-pregnant. When I was pregnant with Monk I didn't think there could possibly be a way I was. I mean, I felt like I was going to get my period very soon, right from the moment he implanted. I had sore boobs, cramping and etc. I was running to the washroom expecting my period everytime and nothing! I feel like that again. My boobs are sore in a PMS'y kind of way. for circumstantial evidence is the fact that the H-man and I have recently begun to ignore the pull and pray strategy. There's not pulling, just praying. And Prayer is not a very effective method for two agnostics. Craziest of all, if we are pregnant again, the new baby will be born the same time of year as Monk. Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for 2 children undre the age of 3.

let me count the ways

My Parents are what you might call Nouveau Riche and when I say Noveau I mean extremely nouveau, like within the last year or two. The act like lottery winners sometimes. They make the strangest purchases one day and the next day refuse to spend any money at all. When it comes to some things they are the cheapest millionaires I know. Sure they don't mind paying to fill up my mother's Escalade Special Edition but god forbid they pay full price for a hotel room. My Dad is constantly looking for excuses to whip out his AARP card for discounts.

I won't lie to you and say that I don't care that they are recent millionaires. I like to milk it for all it's worth. Except, I experience guilt. Something, it seems, my sibilings are immune to. I asked my parents to pay for my personal trainer. They want to see me lose weight so they said they would, but it didn't come with the usual amount of persuading and pestering. I suspected my Father might be having some guilt over buying my sister a brand new truck so I didn't question the lack of resistance. Today when he called we were just chatting, he's all gung ho becuase he'd got himself a new personal trainer and is losing weight like crazy and wants me to be as motivated as him. It was nice to have him encouraging me and being supportive rather than putting me down. He just casually slips into the conversation that he and my mother will be here sometime in May and he wants me to try and book a cottage for vacation on PEI. I asked if he knew the exact dates yet and he said he wasn't sure because he was waiting to hear about the offer that they made on the property my sister wants. I nearly lost it! My sister and I have both been house shopping in the last year, never mind that my sister currently lives in a house already paid for by my parents (and she doesn't pay rent). I sent my parent's the MLS listings for about a dozen houses (not to mention all the places we went to see). All of the places I looked at were places that H-man and I could afford on our own if we had a downpayment in hand right now. None of them were over 250 grand. My sister on the other hand has only shown my parents one property. The Asking price: 1.5 Million dollars! So she gets a brand new truck just a few months ago and now they are buying her a 1.5 million dollar property! How the fuck do I get in on that kind of deal? This is just another thing to add on to the list of why my parents are assholes.

Thoughts I had tonight while out avoiding going to the gym .

Did you ever know someone who was just stunningly physically beautiful but on all other levels conservative, or reserved or just plain uptight? Did you ever want to have sex with them just to make them lose thier minds, to see them come undone, to make them lose all the stuffiness?

I've known lots of people like that. One was this young thing in my French class the last year I was in school. He was the type who has a hair cut every 4 weeks and wears button up shirts buttoned all the way up to class. He was a Dean's list student and worked very hard at his school work and at just enough ass kissing to make sure he would never be in fear of losing his scholarship. He was the kind of boy who takes life far too seriously for being only 21 years old but he was incredibly gorgeous. He had a radiant mischevious smile that he hid behind some wire frame glasses. and When he smiled his whole demeanour smiled like it had just gotten out for recess. I had this vague fantasy of coming out of class one night and my car wouldn't start so he'd offer to give me a drive home. I somehow convince him to take a detour to some dark and secluded place where I'd give him the blow job of his life, witness his brief undoing, Then I'd wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, sit up in my seat and never ask him for anything ever again.

I thought about it and decided I should never sabotage my car to end up in such a predicament. Else it might end up like my Catholic Boyfriend in second year. The one who I never worried about having sex with because I knew he'd never have sex until he got married and I knew he wouldn't ever marry me. The same one who thought he'd carefully planned my seduction not realising I'd been trying to wear him down for months. The same one with the forethought to have condoms on hand when he finally lost that game of chicken, not knowing I'd already been all the way. The same one who didn't speak to me for days afterwards because he thought he'd taken advantage of me. Oh beautiful boy, It was never my intention to make you suffer for the few precious moments I watched you come undone. But I'd do it again, Only next time, I'd hold you down and show you how to do it right.

...That's hobo style

I've been largely silent lately because things haven't been going all that well. It's almost 2 weeks since I have been to the gym. I've been eating nothing but crab because the dentist put me off solids and I have been treating milkshakes and ice cream like a food group. I shudder to think what the scale will say. I'm waiting to hear from my trainer before heading back to the gym...Welll I'm going to try to go back tonight...TRY being the operative word.


Now I'd like to take the opportunity to bitch a little bit about my work. I work in a front line Customer Service oriented job. I answer the phone, I respond to walki-n inquiries. I am what is essentially one of three glorified receptionists for a very VERY large Education based institution. Here are my top ten pet peeves of my job.

1. People who call with inquiries and ask "How are you doing?" How are you doing is something you ask someone you know. To ask a complete stranger wastes their time and yours. You honestly do not want to know how I am doing. "How am I doing? I'm annoyed thank you very much because total strangers keep asking me how I am doing."

2. People who call with inquiries that don't have anything to do with my institution: I do know how to file income tax as I file my own but I haven't a clue how to do YOUR income tax. So please don't call me and ask me for income tax advice. I work in Education not accounting.

3. If you open a call with "I've probably got the wrong number" then why are you calling me?

4. I am here to answer inquiries about the institution I work for. I cannot answer questions about other institutions. I also cannot see the future or through the phone at your transcripts. I'm super, not supernatural.

5. My gawd people, there's three of us, somebody answer the damn phone. When the phone rings it is not a game of chicken to see who will be the last to answer it.

6. When someone is standing directly in front of your desk, it's highly likely they would like you to help them. Not so much to ask since it's what you get paid for!

7. If you need to make a personal call please use one of the incoming lines so that the rest of us are scrambling to answer our line plus all the calls on your incoming line. That only makes sense.

8. Attention Hypochondriac Co-workers: I don't want to hear about your family members' rectal bleeding. However, I do find it amusing when you find out that they spent days in the hospital with Hemmoroids.

9. Attention Co-workers: if you need to take a crap, please do not do it in the washroom that it directly off the lunch room. Nothing spoils lunch like the smell of someone else's bowel movements. There's more than one washroom people!!!

10. People make mistakes, they happen all the time. When someone else makes a mistake please try not to make it out to be the end of the world. So far the actions of people in this office have not resulted in catastrophic tragedy. It's the nature of our work. Stop acting like what we do is of global importance.

i should be sleeping

This is one of those posts where people will likely learn more than they ever needed to know about me but it's all part of my reality and what I live with.

I've been away for a few days. I had to go see a specialist in another city. Nosey Parker at work had asked me what I was doing on my vacation days. I told her matter-of-factly that I was going to a doctor's appointment about 4 hours away so it wasn't really a vacation day. That shut her up. I didn't tell her I was seeing a gynecological dermatoligist. Although I admit I would have loved to see the color of embarassment creep up her face since I'm not as easliy embarassed about that stuff. But since it's regarding my crotch itch, I kept it to myself. Besides, Nosey as she is, She'd likely ask for details..."runaway! RUNAWAY!"

So since you, "the internet" haven't asked for details I'm gonna share them with you anyway. Besides having to cope with being overweight and having a terrible relationship with food, and being in debt up to my eye balls I also have an itchy crotch. Now, that doesn't sound all that bad. But seriously people, I have the itchiest of all itchy crotches!I have the kind or itch that wakes up in the dead of night to scratch until you managed to slough off the top layber of skin. And this would be a whole lot less embarassing if it was someplace other than my crotch. To be more precise, it's the labia that itch. Before Monk was concieved I had a biopsy (and yes a crotch biopsy is about as much fun as it sounds) The results of the biopsy were quite unclear because I had scratched to the point there was nothing but mostly scar tissue showing up in the sample. The Pathologist thought he might have seen some HPV in there. So I did one month of immune modifier treatment then I found out I was pregnant. I finished the full round of the immune modifier two months ago. And guess what? I'm still itchy! And so it was back to the specialist. It would appear that I no longer have the HPV issue(if it was ever THE issue), but I still have the itch. The specialist consulted with another specialist (yes I appreciated them standing in the hallway of the hospital discussing my crotch, NOT) and the new plan of attact is mega doses of steroid with a medication to reduce the itch at night and put me to sleep to try and break the cycle. We'll see how this goes. I can't keep traveling to another province a few times a year to get my itchy crotch looked at.

While I was away I went to see my Mother. I brought Monk along and he was positively miserable at night. He had me up every hour in the night.I was exhausted from the long drive and then up all night and then exhausted driving home but last night I could not get to sleep nor could I seem to stay asleep. I need an actual day off to have an afternoon nap. You know how sometimes naps just make everything right?

I haven't been watching my eating. Mostly because I'm taking a little break. I skipped the gym last night because I was too tired to go but in the end probably should have gone anyway. Oh well, I'll be back there on Friday.

I'm off to fix myself some breakfast. Then gotta get dressed and go to work. UGH.

A Story

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had an evil step-mother. The Evil Step-mother was all sweetness and light initially. She wanted to impress the little girl's father so that he would marry her. It continued for a few years after the wedding until one day the Step-mother revealed that she was pregnant. She took the little girl to have her hair cut short like a boy's saying "You aren't responsible enough for long hair." She dressed the little girl in track suits and polyester pant suits printed to look like jeans with partches saying "You get too dirty to wear nice things." One day after the little girl came in from playing outside in the sun the Evil step mother yelled at her "Look at how messy you are? You are covered in mud and dust!" She threw the little girl in to the bath and scrubbed her skin until it was raw. The brown color never came off for it was a suntan.

When the new baby was born the little girl hoped that they would become a family and that the new baby would be a friend to her. The Evil Step-mother said "leave the baby alone, you'll just hurt her, or get her messy." When the little girl wanted her father's attention the Evil Step-mother would say "Babies need more of Daddy's attention than big girls." The little girl became more and more neglected as the baby grew older. Everything the baby asked for she got. The little girl wanted a pony, the baby got a Horse. The little girl wanted to take riding lessons, the baby was signed up for riding lessons the next week.

The one day when the girl was getting ready for school the Evil step-mother hit her. She could handle being ignored, she could handle being neglected, and she could even handle being treated with indifference, but she could not handle being hit. She left that house and never spoke to the Evil Step-mother ever again. To this day that Evil step-mother thinks that she gave her heart and soul to the little girl and that she is spoiled unappreciative little brat.

Perspective is 9/10ths of perception.

M.I.A.

So yeah I've had a few days break from this whole secret blogging business. It was initiated on thursday when after the H man arrived home from supper and I had a complete and total meltdown in which I threw my supper plate across the living room and proceeded to leave in a huff and then drive around for a few hours telling myself what a complete and total waste of human life I am. So yeah...I kind of needed a break. It's likely a moot point because, as far as I know, no one is reading this besides me. Maybe I should have been blogging the melt down business for posterity or reference.

Anyway, the eating plan when completely off the rails when I went through the drive thru and ordered not one but two filet-o-fish sandwiches. Let me tell you, they were the best f$%^ing fish sandwiches of my life but my full attention wasn't there when I ate them so I had to go to DQ and get a blizzard with which to devote my attention. I wasted absolutely no time with guilt feelings over this food because I felt so completely terrible about myself that I didn't care if it would be the death of me. In fact it would only be fitting if it actually did kill me because I have trouble being a normal human being I should just pitch this life and start over with another one. Maybe I should read some more of that Robert Thurman book because I have a sneaking suspicion that that's not really how buddism works.

Anyway, I'm giving the food thing a little rest for a while. I think I might have been putting too much pressure on myself and then having meltdowns because of my frustration at the lack of results.

My best friend was headed to our hometown on Saturday and she asked me if I wanted to go along. It ended up being me taking her there instead of the other way around. I loaded up Monk and took him to visit my sister. She didn't finish class until 1 and we arrived at 10am so BF could make an appointment. Monk and I were flying solo for 3 hours. We went to "The Mall". Despite being the largest mall in this region I didn't find a single thing to buy. I spent 10 cents on a glass of hot water to mix up a bottle for Monk. We walked around and window shopped. I went to old navy to see if they had anything cute for Monk but they didn't have anything that he just HAD to have. Things have to be pretty darn cute to be cute enough for him. Anyway, We had lunch with my sister and her person and hung out for the afternoon until it was time to go back and get the best friend. The trip there and back was made completely worth it by the car ride with BF. I'm continually astonished by how much I enjoy her company, not because she's not a wonderful person (because she is) but because short of the H-man I've never known anyone to GET me quite the way she does. We had a really interesting conversation about trying to live by a morality that is defined by judeo christian principals and how that doesn't always fit our lives and the residual guilt it results in. In some ways, she's more of a sister to me than either of my sisters. Except that she'd be a sister I've made out with which would just be gross. LOL. She makes me realise I'm a better person than I give myself credit for and yet she makes me want to be a better person than I currently am. Our husbands are very much the same man ( I don't mean that literally) they are like the same car only each one of them has different features. You strip them down to thier basic parts and you'd have the same framework. It's really bizzarre how much we all have in common. It's almost unnatural to meet your virtual twin only to discover that she married your husband's virtual twin. People continually mistake us for sisters. She was my maid of honor at our wedding and we I brought my pictures into work all my coworkers went on about how much "my sister" looks like me. Everyone loves her, and I mean LOVES her. It's bizarre. People fight over her friendship. I have a secret pride that she picked me to he friend over all others. We enjoyed yesterday's road trip so much that we did it all again today. Except we got rid of the baby and added a dog and a camera. It was the perfect was to spend a sunday. Driving around with a friend bitching about husbands, parents, work, tight clothes. It made me remember the parts of humanity that I don't suck at quite so much.

The good the very bad and the exceedingly ugly.

What's good? Well the two breakfast burritos I ate. They tasted good at any rate. And weren't so absolutely bad excoet that there was two of them and those tortillas are high in calories.

I got some bad news this afternoon. My dreams of being called "dr. Dealwithit" are pretty much dashed. I heard back from an advisor at the school and she all but laughed and pointed at my transcript. She pretty much told me all my dreams will ever be is just that, Dreams.

So yeah, I was crushed. But compounded to that is the fact that I'm at home looking after Monk today as his babysitter is sick. I've come to the realization that I'm a terrible stay at home mother and thank god I went back to work. I suspect it's the only reason I'm sane right now. I am sane right now, right? Right!?!

Right now he's supposed to be taking a nap and everytime I make a noise there is a squeal or cry of protest from his room. I'm so frustrated with the world and with him right now that I made myself breakfast burritos. Yes, I am occaisionally a bad mother, Yes, I am most frequently a bad eater, and Yes I often hate myself. I'm having another one of those moments.

It sure beats the alternative. I shudder to think what that is.

How Low is Too Low?

I have been tracking my food with great accuracy in the last week or so. I was looking at my diet tracking software last night and it said that 2100 calories was my target. All this time I thought I had to get under that in order to lose weight. But I guess much lower than that and I won't lose.

Arrggghhh, why does this have to be so complicated?

So today I looked online to find out if I wasn't eating enough for weight loss. Well the experts are all over the place on this. I found one website that said for my weight I need to consume 5400 calories to maintain my body weight!!! WTF!!! at that many calories I could eat mcDonald's every meal of the day and still lose weight!
I think I might need an expert.

Taken down

So I don't even really remember when I last posted. I have been keeping trackof my food really well on my palm pilot but I left it at home this morning. I'm all messed up because I've been sick with some kind of stomach bug the last few days. Oh, and I lost my watch somewhere. I don't even remember taking it off.

I started feeling ill on monday right at the end of the work day. My stomach made this horrible noise , the sound of some bad shit about to come down. By the time I got home I was squeezing the old butt cheeks together to keep from exploding. The H man had locked both the front and back doors on me after I left that morning (he was home looking after Monk) so I was franitcally runing from door to door banging on them praying he'd hear me before I shit my pants. It was a very close call. I felt pretty crappy yesterday but went to work in the morning anyway. By lunchtime I was terrified that if I was to eat something I'd be sick. So I went home and had some macaroni and cheese. I figured, if I am going to be sick I should eat what I want. I contemplated going through the drive thru on my way home but thought it would be rude to eat hamburgers in front of the babysitter.

So far today I haven't had any stomach issues. I managed to eat breakfast this morning without feeling like was going to puke things are looking up. I've still got some pain in my stomach but I don't feel like I need tobe able to run to the bathroom at the drop of a hat. I plan to make it to the gym tonight.

I'm starting to get a little discouraged. I've been stepping on the scale with a fair amount of regularity and not seeing any progress. It seems like it's been a long time since I've seen changes. I know it's probably only been a matter of a week...maybe even days. But I feel like it should be quicker than this. I'm sticking to my workout plan I should be able to see results on a regular basis. I just have to remind myself that I started at the gym in January and I didn't see any results until nearly the end of February. I have to remember. I have to stop being so impatient.