Who knew that PPD can cause heart palpitations?
So, the word from my actual Doctor is that I have Poat partum depression.
Gawd, why is that so hard to say?
On the one hand I'm ashamed to admit that I have it because 80% of the time I go around like there's nothing wrong. You wouldn't know to look at me that it is taking every last ounce of energy I have to keep from crying. It's amazing how you can go around with your fake normal face on most of the time and only let it go when you are listening to the baby cry for no good reason or sitting quietly by yourself. In my life there's alot more of the unexplained baby crying than there is quite solitude.
All my tests came back normal so the heart flip flopping seems to be caused by anxiety. What anxiety? the Anxiety of having to keep it together 24-7. The doctor gave me a referral to a psychologist. I'm not sure how it's going to go.
I feel like I have to justify it. Cause you know, I'm not so far gone as to drown my kids or drive off a bridge or something. I just feel like crying, A LOT. I'm not really a stranger to this sensation but it usually doesn't stick around this long and when I step back and take a really really good look at my life I think I haven't a frickin' thing to cry about. However, that doesn't make the sensation go away. My eyes well up a dozen or so times a day and every time I push back the tears. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless in depression, like these feelings are so un-warranted. The other times in my life when I've felt this way I've had good reason. This time it seems, I'm just sad.
It's spilling over into everything though. I get mad easily. I'm lost in my own head most of the time, I screw up basic things like putting the car in the correct gear. I'm forgetful and insensitive and impatient. Don't even get started on how I feel about sex and my body. I don't have the energy to even discuss it, let alone get up and do something about it.
At the rate things are going my husband won't need to get a vasectomy, cause he'll never be sexin' me again.
Gawd, why is that so hard to say?
On the one hand I'm ashamed to admit that I have it because 80% of the time I go around like there's nothing wrong. You wouldn't know to look at me that it is taking every last ounce of energy I have to keep from crying. It's amazing how you can go around with your fake normal face on most of the time and only let it go when you are listening to the baby cry for no good reason or sitting quietly by yourself. In my life there's alot more of the unexplained baby crying than there is quite solitude.
All my tests came back normal so the heart flip flopping seems to be caused by anxiety. What anxiety? the Anxiety of having to keep it together 24-7. The doctor gave me a referral to a psychologist. I'm not sure how it's going to go.
I feel like I have to justify it. Cause you know, I'm not so far gone as to drown my kids or drive off a bridge or something. I just feel like crying, A LOT. I'm not really a stranger to this sensation but it usually doesn't stick around this long and when I step back and take a really really good look at my life I think I haven't a frickin' thing to cry about. However, that doesn't make the sensation go away. My eyes well up a dozen or so times a day and every time I push back the tears. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless in depression, like these feelings are so un-warranted. The other times in my life when I've felt this way I've had good reason. This time it seems, I'm just sad.
It's spilling over into everything though. I get mad easily. I'm lost in my own head most of the time, I screw up basic things like putting the car in the correct gear. I'm forgetful and insensitive and impatient. Don't even get started on how I feel about sex and my body. I don't have the energy to even discuss it, let alone get up and do something about it.
At the rate things are going my husband won't need to get a vasectomy, cause he'll never be sexin' me again.
posted by Dealing with it at 5:03 PM
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